A negotiation with my own body

We will begin our post with a giant letter S, because reasons.

Body: I’m mad at you for not sleeping.

Me: That doesn’t seem fair, since that was your fault.

Body: Doesn’t matter. I’m mad, and I’m going to make your stomach hurt so badly that you feel like throwing up. Like, all day.

Me: Yes, well.

Body: I’m also going to make it so when you eat anything, it gets WORSE.

Me: That’s at least new and different.

Body: HA! Gotcha.

Me: You realize that under your new system, the best way for me to avoid pain is to not give you any fuel?

Body: Not my problem.

Me: Yes it is.

Body: IS NOT!

Me: (sigh) Okay. What about if I eat the smallest possible amount of food that will keep me from passing out, avoid taking any vitamins or medicine except these two, and lie down on the couch for three days straight?

Body: Will you be reading webcomics?

Me: Yeah probably.

Body: Then I’m also giving you a raging headache.

Me: Okay, no webcomics on the second day.

Body: What else?

Me: I’m already giving up three days worth of getting anything done, and missing a relative’s birthday party, and canceling my weekly zen time volunteering at the library. What more could you want?

Body: Take the class gerbil back to school Monday morning while wearing your pink Wonder Woman logo pajama pants.

Me: REALLY?

Body: Yep. And you have to walk across campus twice because once your son’s in his classroom, you realize his hat is still in the back of the car.

Me: And that will get me back to a reasonable functioning state by Tuesday?

Body: Close enough. You might even get your hair clean.

Me: Deal.

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