I retrieved my “in case of fire” box from my dad last weekend, and I am cleaning it out so I can send it back packed with all the data I would need to replace if my apartment burned down and took my computer and photo albums with it. CDs, negatives, photocopies of my credit cards and i.d., inventory for the renters’ insurance people, etc.
Yes, I have a morbid fear of house fires. Yes, I have too much time on my hands. No, it didn’t make me feel all that much better when K. and I discovered that The Dog would, in fact, bark loudly and persistently if a fire started in the house.
Any more questions? No? Good.
Included in this box, as I had hoped, was the backup of some data that I either accidentally or stupidly deleted – the text of the personal ads I posted online in two separate incidents (1998? and 2000) and the cascade of ridiculous and/or belligerent responses I received, as well as a selection of many enticing and well-crafted ads I saw while browsing during those episodes. So I’ll be putting those back up soon, much to the delight of a couple key individuals who have been requesting this entertainment. I’m sure it’s a flagrant violation of copyright, but if Way Too Personal can get away with it, then so can I.
In the meantime, I’d like to share with you some of my recent favorites from Yahoo Personals and other sources.
(But Princess, you may ask, why are you cruising the personal ads right now? Aren’t you doing the single chick thing? Yes, I would answer, but do you have any idea how much of my brain energy had been devoted to dating and relationships for the past decade or more? If I let it all just sit idle, it’s liable to get me in trouble with the first guy over 6’0″ who has Winger playing on his car stereo at the stoplight.)
Bachelor #1:
“Handicapped French speaking asian seeking healthy female with child bearing hips. My friend (singular) would best describe me as a weak swimmer whom always has a writing utensil handy. I also have only one dance move (due to handicap) but it’s a really good one and I am not afraid to use it. More about me… ummm I’m a shade under 5’11, 180 lbs, wear size 12 shoes and use dove soap.”
Bachelor #2:
His headline is “Nice Guy.” (Since his ad is right next to the one with a headline of “Jealous, Abusive Boor,” that’s handy.) Despite having two “additional” photos stored that are decent headshots, he has chosen for his main photo a picture of himself with his arms wrapped around what looks like a former girlfriend – and half of her face is still in the picture even after he cropped it to about 1/3 the width of a normal shot!
Bachelor #3:
“I am looking for a disgustingly rich, supermodel whose one dream in life is to forgo the hassle of celebrity for an idealistic life of cooking, cleaning, and constant sexual objectification… Yeah!!! But, I could probably settle for a nice girl who can put up with me. That will require a since of humor and more than a little patience. I am a single white male. 29 years old. I am 5’6″, and weight 280. On the large side, BUT DAMN IM GOOD LOOKING… :)”
Bachelor #4:
The headline is “Who wants to be California Governor?”
“I am a hideous-looking…ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly, chronic, and a complete liar. I enjoy eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain and watching old Barney Miller reruns….”
Bachelor #5:
“I AM SINGLE MALE WHITE 34 NEVER MARRIED WITH NO KIDS. NO REPLY NEEDED BECAUSE THEIR ARE NO FEMALES WHO HONESTLY WANT LOVE AND COMPASSION . FEMALES JUST WANT TO PLAY MIND GAMES.”
(Ed. note: That’s the entire text of the profile, unlike Bachelor #4.)
So there you have it. Entertainment of so many different types.
Bachelor #3 reminds me of an ad I submitted while a grad student in Baltimore.
I WANT IT ALL
Unemployed SWM, 26, seeks attractive SWF who always agrees and likes to cook. Should enjoy doing everything I like. Trust fund a plus. No fatties.
The theory was that anyone who responded would either think I was a complete pig or think that I was funny. I was looking for the second type. Unfortunately, the paper decided not to run it.
The Man is always keeping you down.
I’m jealous. I have no such “in case of fire” box nor do I have any reasonable inventory of my possessions.
It’s not as overwhelming a task as it might seem, since many things are easy to count. It’s not like I have a list of all my CDs or anything, since I have a reasonable expectation that I could just go out and buy roughly the same set. Just a count of everything I own and an estimate of what it would cost to replace. The dog is listed at $7.2 billion.