Me: I’ve been meaning to ask you about something, since you know a lot more about exercise and how bodies work than I do. You know how I’ve been going to the gym and using the elliptical? I’ve realized that I like it because it’s simple. It may not be the super best ever kind of cardio in the history of mankind, but I don’t have to think very hard and I’m pretty sure it’s better than nothing.
C-Men: Okay, I get that.
Me: That’s the thing I hate about exercise, there’s all this STUFF you’re supposed to know and do, like make sure your heart rate stays in some specific range and it involves math and shit. I hate that. It’s like when “how to grow organic vegetables, for beginners” is 63 pages long and includes testing your soil’s pH first. Why can’t I just put a few tomato plants in the first year? I need to start out with something simple.
C-Man: I hear you.
Me: So I have the cardio thing down, and I’m realizing that Boy Detective is getting bigger and I don’t carry him around all the time, and that was giving me actual arm strength and that was kind of nice, so it would be cool if I didn’t lose all of that. When I went to a gym a long time ago, the personal trainer gave me this big long list of various machines I was supposed to use, and one of them I never could figure out what the hell she was talking about and get my muscles set a particular way, and I had to carry around this list because I couldn’t remember everything, and I hated it. I want something for upper body strength that I can just do, and it’s simple and a place to start, and I don’t have to do 42 different things.
C-Man: Well, if you’re looking for something where you only have to do one thing, what you should do is find someone to teach you how to do Olympic style weightlifting.
(very long silence)
Me: Um… that would be something to work up to maybe. I guess I was thinking maybe about something like pushups to start with.
C-Man: Sure, that would work too.
Or you could use the Greek Mythology method:
(1) Purchase a calf, small enough for you to pick up
(2) Lift it every day
Just don’t blame me if you start looking like the Hulk after a few months.
As for the Easy Guide To Raising Cows — sorry I totally can’t help you there.
I can so visualize this conversation…
I’d suggest you start with free weights. Just curls and a few other simple exercises. More efficient and easier to do correctly than the machines. Unless you are able to do push-ups. I have never gotten to a point where I can do reasonable push-ups, no matter how strong my arms get.
A calf would count as a free weight, right?
I like free weights. The cow is great but a little unwieldy. Those weight machines are annoying. Grace: I can’t do pushups either but I do the half version. I figure some day I’ll be able to do a real one.