Snippets From Relatives, Fall and Winter Holidays

Names withheld to reduce negative ramifications should one of them find this blog.

Relative: “It was terrible, the circus got shut down and all the animals were going to be turned into horse meat!”

Relative: “I guess it was fine, if you like watching people shoot other people with bullets.”
Me: “As opposed to with what?”
Relative: “I’m just explaining how I understood the plot.”

Relative: “That store, Half Books. You buy half the book there and you have to find the other half somewhere else?”
Me: “Half Price Books.”
Relative: “You get every other page there…”

Relative: “That pie recipe, I tell you, I think it came down on the stone tablets.”
Me: “On the back.”
Relative: “Exactly.”
Me: “So in the Bible it’s begat begat begat…pie.”
Relative: “No, in Prophets, which is really more about telling you what to do to avoid being sold into slavery.”
Me: “So, making pie.”
Relative: “Exactly.”

Relative: “The problem is that the Devil made the threads in [the faucet], and his best friend made the threads in [the hose], and it really improves your cussing ability to try putting them together.”

Relative: “Surely it isn’t a continuous plumbing leak or you’d all be drowned by now.”

Relative 1: “What he noticed was that all the trees in Virginia were the same, there was no variety.”
Relative 2: “What kind do they have out there?”
Relative 1: “Well I don’t know, I know it was something coniferous.”
Relative 3: “Some firs are carnivorous. Coniferous.”
Relative 4: “No wonder they only have one kind of tree, those ate all the other ones.”
Relative 3: “He’s not even a plant person and he can figure that out.”

Relative: “Oh great, she’s going for a pen and paper, she’s going to use all this at the commitment hearing. Are you going to keep writing?”
Me: “Are you going to keep talking?”