Questions you surely have about my current illness(es) and injury

Some bloggers use Formspring to make it easy for their readers to ask them questions. I have no idea why. I figure that’s what the comments section is for. Also, I’m assuming you are all busy people. If I’m not currently supervising you in a professional capacity, you don’t have time to ask me questions all day long. So for this post, I have saved you some time and written your questions myself. That also means I don’t have to copy and paste them from somewhere else a la Formspring. We all win.

So what the heck is going on over there, with you being sick for weeks and coughing so hard that you injure yourself?

I have no f—ing idea. I barely even leave the house since I work from home. How did I end up with all the germs?

Do you have pneumonia?

No. I managed to do all of this damage to myself with just the flu and a sinus infection. I’m glad I don’t have anything more infectious, though, because I am taking enough drugs as it is.

If I am allergic to amoxicillin, should I touch your hand right now?

I would not recommend it.

If I ever tear a muscle in my chest from coughing, what would your recommendation be about sneezing?

Don’t. You will regret it. Today I sneezed twice and there was a distinct popping feeling in my chest followed by enough pain that I got tears in my eyes.

Aren’t you glad I test these things for you?

How awesome is is to have a fold-out couch downstairs so you can sleep in a bed by yourself when you and C-Man are both sick?

It rules. Totally beats the air mattress for comfort. And then I don’t have to lose all my Good Wife points by screaming “stop f—ing coughing!” at 2am.

What are you going to do when you run out of Vicodin, since you can’t seem to keep the pain down to a manageable level with regular painkillers?

No idea. Calling to request a Vicodin refill is not high on my list of desired activities. Last time I made a phone call like that, I had given birth a couple of weeks prior, and in the process had pinched a nerve in my neck. I don’t think I even asked for more drugs, I just was trying to find out how many ibuprofen was reasonable to take because I could barely move my head. Instead of an answer, I was summoned to the office to be cross-examined about possible post-partum depression.

And how’s that other thing, that thing with your stomach? That doesn’t actually bother your stomach but makes your throat all screwed up?

It’s funny, the day I came down with this respiratory malarkey was the day I was getting 100% back on The Program and The Drugs for The Acid Situation so I could prove to my doctor that the situation was not under control and figure out a next step. Strangely, getting sick and being full of other drugs for OVER THREE WEEKS NOW has not been compatible with producing that proof. Neither has coughing so hard that I was dry heaving multiple times a day.

Then today I read this awesome post that mentions scarring of the esophagus from acid reflux as a risk factor for CHOKING TO DEATH.

I am so screwed.

Also, I am suddenly chewing my food a lot more.