Dear The Dog,
Since Boy Detective was born, you have done an excellent job adjusting to your adjusted place in the household. We have appreciated your patience, forbearance, and general good nature despite the attention drought that has been your lot for the past two years.
If you are so bored that you feel the need to take up a sport, though, may we recommend something other than football? That object was purchased in the toy aisle, not the sporting goods department, and it’s entirely synthetic. We can’t imagine that it is going to withstand much more being carried around in your teeth.
The fact that you only remove said toy from its place downstairs when no one is looking does lead us to believe that you may be aware of our feelings on this subject, so perhaps some time with your own conscience would be helpful in this situation.
Thank you for your consideration.