I Think She is the Biggest Geek EVER

Mimi Smartypants wins: Yesterday she had a paperback copy of Existentialism and Human Emotions clutched in her grubby little fist, and she shrieked bloody murder when I tried to get her to release the Sartre.* In fact she would not relinquish it for any reason whatsoever, so it went in the crib with her for a nap. My baby’s existence… Read more »

Things I Wouldn’t Have To Say…

…if I didn’t have a dog: Please leave that dead snail alone. Don’t lick my eye! Must you lie right on my ribcage? I’d like it if you wouldn’t claw my neck so much. However, I would probably still have to say them if I had kids instead of a dog.

Because I Love You

I got up at 4am on Thursday and sat through a two day conference in Houston so you didn’t have to miss this comment: “Money isn’t the elephant in the room. Money is the wooly mammoth wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt that is tied to the blimp that’s on FIRE that’s circling above us.” It was in reference to the Texas… Read more »

Limited Selection

Columbia House only sells 1 album I want to own. Does this make me alternative, or does it just make me old?

Little Paper Slips

If anyone needs to know what a temporary Texas driver’s license looks like, let me know. I’ll fax over a copy. (P.S. Be nice, no jokes about how I’m making the world a more dangerous place.)

Little Plastic Cards

Barring untoward incidents, tomorrow morning I take the road test for my first-ever driver’s license. I am 29. I got my first permit when I was 17, and I have never had an actual license. I wish the test were already over. I’m not nervous yet, but I know I will be tomorrow, and I hate that part and I… Read more »

Learn About Thyself

Last night I went to a bizarrely large building that’s devoted to (mostly) adults having fun. Those of you who know me are aware that I’m generally against fun, so you may be wondering how this occurred. Those of you who know me are also aware that I have maintained what is practically a policy against video and computer games… Read more »

Lesson Learned

Total time spent yesterday at Highland Mall: 1.5 hours. Number of New Year’s Eve dresses that looked good enough to try on: 0. New Year’s Eve dresses purchased: 0. Average cost of New Year’s Eve dress: $110. Total time spent today at Goodwill: 45 minutes? Number of New Year’s Eve dresses that looked good enough to try on: about 20…. Read more »

5 Reasons I Never Replied To Your Answer to My Online Personal Ad

You’re into one o’ them monotheistic religions where anyone who doesn’t agree with you goes to hell. I know there’s some kind of Christianity Lite that’s supposed to be tolerant and respectful of other people’s beliefs, but how exactly do you swing that when a central tenet of your faith is that you must accept Jesus as Lord and Savior… Read more »