Why I Am Not A Fashion Blogger

C-Man’s company holiday party was Thursday night. I have known about this party for at least a month. Also, I work in my house, which is where I keep my clothes. And yet, this is how I got dressed for the party:

Okay, I sent that report… ooh should I check email one more time? No! Stop checking email. I don’t have time to answer it anyway. Do I still hear video game sounds from downstairs? Yes! That’s good, that means C-Man isn’t on his way back up here yet to find out why I’m not ready.

Oh god, the closet is cold. Is there anything clean that I haven’t yet put away that could help? No. Shit. Um, um, the red pants, I always wear the red pants, oh I do not want to wear the red pants they have a big crease in them and oh no they’re also really dusty WAIT! THE BLACK PANTS! That’s what I told C-Man earlier I was going to wear but then I forgot. OH NO DO THEY FIT AGAIN? If they don’t fit I am totally screwed. What the fuck am I going to wear if these don’t fit?! Wow they have a lot of dog hair on them. But THEY FIT! I can never gain or lose weight again. Thank god they fit because my husband would freak out if I had to take a shower and shave so I could wear a skirt OH FUCK my pedicure is from July. I don’t think it can even be CALLED a pedicure anymore. That means no open-toed sandals, is it warm enough for those anyway? It’s not far from the parking garage to the front door but then I would probably have to cut my toenails real quick why don’t I have any other black SHOES oh I do, those should be fine THEY ARE FULL OF SAND?!

I will use this clean white sock to scrub them out my GOD what the hell did I do in these shoes the last time I wore them? When was that anyway? And why are the soles unsticking from the base? Please tell me I can unstick them and stick them back where they’re supposed to go, oh hang on my feet go there anyway haha. Gack, these feel awful! They’re still full of dirt! Dammit, C-Man is going to be here soon and he’s not going to be happy that I’m not ready to leave.

Black pants, black pants, black pants with a… oh no, I never DID find that black camisole that I pretty much have to wear under anything I’m going to wear with these pants I am so SCREWED! That basket is dirty laundry, that basket is dirty laundry, that basket is clean laundry is there anything down in there long underwear C-Man’s shirts socks HEY CAMISOLE! Okay okay this is going to be okay. No long sleeve shirts clean. Um. Okay okay I can make this work with a… sweater over a black sleeve shirt! Oh, that black sweater I bought right before BlogHer, it’s in the drawer right there and hey look it’s hopelessly wrinkled! WHY DIDN’T I THINK ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY?!

I could throw that in the dryer for five minutes and it would be fine except no we’re supposed to leave five minutes ago, um, what about this one that I bought in Portland that’s just as good oh um I really don’t want to wear this NO IT WILL BE FINE BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE! GO BACK TO THE CLOSET! No wait, what’s in this drawer? Pretty brown shirt! NO pretty brown shirt is wrinkled too! The dryer won’t even fix it how am I going to fix it? I hope the internet will tell me and how am I supposed to store these damn things anyway when I don’t wear them very often I feel victimized by my clothing and I really want to yell at someone right now I hope no one comes upstairs. CLOSET! NOW!

It’s cold in here. Um, okay, ummmm… green shirt! Christmas party, green! Pull it on, remember it’s going to be cold, do you need to wear a bra under the camisole? I don’t want to wear the green shirt, there must be something else here REALLY why don’t I own any CLOTHES? Take the green shirt off the hanger, pull it on, go to the mirror. I was so right, this haircut is too short. I’ll tell everyone it’s fine but I really don’t like it. Leave it ALONE it only gets worse when you mess with it. Oh, right, do I need a bra? No! Score!

And this sweater looks great! Except for the sleeves. And the sleeves of the green shirt are making the shoulders kind of lumpy. I’ll tuck them in this way instead OH LORD NO don’t do that, and what the hell am I going to do with this part ACK the camisole is too long, can I tuck it in NO then the button on the pants will show through the shirt can I fold the camisole a little AHA YES. The shoulders don’t work. Oh I hate the sweater sleeves I forgot they had buttons, what if I unbutton them? Yeah, no, I need to stop trying to save this now no one’s going to be looking at me anyway seriously get over yourself you’re 37 years old and have a kid and a bad haircut and you’re going to stay for like an hour WHY DIDN’T I GET OUT THE OTHER SWEATER AN HOUR AGO THEN I MIGHT HAVE LOOKED DECENT this is ridiculous and the camisole is showing because the green shirt is so low cut I DO NOT CARE it’s the same color as my pants and sweater it’s fine it doesn’t look like a bra whatever just go downstairs DO NOT FORGET TO LINT ROLL THE PANTS!

Fuck, purse. Oh but that’s easy. HEY, where’s my BLACK PURSE? Ohhhhhhh, I threw it away because the handle started cracking after 15 years. The little one though! Right in my dresser drawer!


Last time I would have used it was when when when BLOGHER! Suitcase? Ooh I’m so smart look in the little red suitcase not there what the hell is wrong with me that I have not completely unpacked from a trip I went on in JULY?! Please tell me it’s in the big red suitcase no it’s not no no no THERE! Hahahaha, I win, little black purse, I hate these shoes they are full of dirt I am throwing them away right when I get home but I am not going to this party to have a good time I can just absorb punishment it’s fine. Is there anything I can do about my hair? No. Do I own any powder? No. Dammit, that was dumb, why don’t I own any? Origins counters are all in another state? NO. But I am so tired of power compacts breaking and spilling stuff everywhere. LEAVING NOW.

And then I put my black purse down on the kitchen table next to my four year old son, who was eating yogurt.

(C-Man almost immediately picked it up, fearing catastrophe, because, as always, he is my hero.)

I wore his black Honda mechanic’s jacket because I don’t have a coat that’s as long as the black sweater I was wearing.

And I did forget to lint roll my pants.

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