I’m having a hard time deciding

Would I rather have

scarring in my esophagus from acid reflux I didn’t know I had

OR

an ulcer

OR

something that requires blood tests and imaging of my gall bladder and liver to diagnose?

I’m leaning towards the ulcer. Now that they know bacteria are at fault, they can just give you an antibiotic, right?

Oh, and in case you were wondering, they test for an ulcer by having you breathe into a fancy plastic bag, giving you a tube full of nasty lemonade-like stuff to drink, waiting 15 minutes, and then having you breathe into a second fancy plastic bag that is a different color.

Or maybe that was all an elaborate head game.