Dear The Dog,

No, you do not need any desiccated pigeon feet.

Also, I know it is confusing that I have slept on different sides of the bed in the seven and a half years we’ve been together. I was rather startled when I realized that was the case, because as we know I hate change, so why am I side-swapping? But for the last year it’s been stable, so you cannot simply decide that my side of the bed is your bed. You just can’t. Especially when I’m already sleeping there. Got it?

Thanks Ever So,