Holiday Shopping Help

OK, I’m back. :)

I got in and out of New Hampshire without altercating with any Libertarians, and I even did some research for all of you while I was there. Since it’s coming up on Thanksgiving, I figured we’re all starting to think about holiday gift giving. So I collected some information, brought it back to the Lizard Labs for analysis, and we now proudly present:

The Official Flooded Lizard Kingdom Report on Gift Opportunities in the Delta SkyMall Catalog

You could buy a CD shredder for $149.95. While it would make a pointed suggestion to your oft-drunk, loud-hard-rock-listening neighbor about his choice of music, the lizards feel that’s a little much to spend on someone whose name you probably don’t know. But it’s your choice.

You could buy an upside-down tomato garden for $69.95, and it apparently comes with up to 80 lbs of topsoil – since it says that the sand required to fill the base and keep it from toppling is not included, but it makes no such notation about the topsoil. Of course, there’s that key phrase “up to.” Maybe it’s just two tablespoons. What a risk!

You could buy one of those dog translators for $119.95 and find out once and for all what your dog actually wants when she whines for hours at a time. Of course, if you knew, you might feel even guiltier about telling her to be quiet…

You could buy a waterproof CD player with a sleep timer for $199.95. Y’know, for all those times you need to fall asleep in the shower.

You could buy a wicker pet cage or catbox-disguiser for anywhere from $119 to $295. Unless your puppy is still in the chewing stage. Or hates wicker as much as I do.

You could buy the ButtKicker LFE for $249 and attach it to your favorite chair or couch, and then hang on as it infuses any home theater system with a powerful jolt of energy, bringing the audio soundtrack to life. It does this by shaking your chair. The ButtKicker Amplifier was designed and developed specifically for the ButtKicker LFE and can power up to four ButtKickers!!

You could travel in comfort and style while protecting your car interior by buying a car seat cover for $59.95 (bucket seats) or $89.95 (bench seat). The padded seat cushion and plush micro-velvet fabric add a touch of class and elegance to your vehicle, all of which is promptly canceled out by the hairy, drooling dog sitting on the seat.

You could buy a 4’5″ statue of a stereotypical French waiter with a tray for $269. His sturdy tray is for all manner of party delights or to collect mail, display posies, etc. And if your collection of posies has ever gotten out of control, you understand what a godsend this could be.

You could buy the Relax ‘N Nap Pillow for $59.95 and sleep like a baby! (The ultimate tummy sleepers!) Of course, sleeping like a baby on your tummy means an increased risk of dying in your sleep, so consider this one carefully.

You could buy the solid gold edition of The One Ring for $295, ’cause what’s almost $300 against the chance to become EVIL?!

And last but not least, for the Libertarians:

You could buy the Cash Management Box for $24.95, since you don’t trust banks. Oh wait, why do you trust U.S. currency?? Quick, find some chickens and barter them!!