Four Things I Wish I Could Magically Fix About Our House

1. The doors. Some drunk-ass motherfucker hung them all crooked, and they don’t work. Some let light (and air and bugs) in, some don’t close all the way, two have started tearing screws out of the frame by dragging on their hinges, and one locked itself. C-Man is working on them as they threaten us, but it’s obnoxious.

2. The “air conditioner,” by which I mean the inside bit that blows the air and makes all the noise. Some jackass stuck that damn thing right next to the TV room. I don’t like having to turn on the English subtitles on an English-language movie so I can simultaneously hear the dialog AND maintain a reasonable room temperature. This one will require a miracle to correct.

3. The paint. Some college students who used to live here decided it would be fun to draw cartoons and graffiti tags on the walls. Then whoever painted the place didn’t use enough primer. Is that why we have cans of Kilz primer left over in the garage, and graffiti showing through the ivory paint upstairs? Gee, I wonder.

4. The location. If I could just move it 1/2 mile west… then it would have been at least twice as expensive, and we wouldn’t have bought it. So I guess I’ll leave that one alone!