I Have Bones To Pick With My Appliances

Dear The Washer,

I feel certain that, if I have actually opened the door, I am aware that the wash cycle is completed. Do you think you can make the same assumption and stop beeping once I open the door?

Dear The Dryer,

In Colorado, where I used to live, having each setting designed to produce “nearly dry” clothes (as described in your manual) would be fine. In Colorado, you take your clothes out of the dryer damp, and five minutes later they’re dry anyway. In Austin, however, storing your clothes damp is not terribly bright. So I question whether you would still have a good energy rating if the typical use was assumed to be running every load on cotton, “very dry.”

Dear The Oven,

If you are smart enough to figure out that I need to press the start button because I have selected a temperature for baking, and you are smart enough to tell me that I need to press it, then why can’t you just start?

Dear The Microwave,

The Stop button should work to stop the timer too. There’s no sense in forcing me to press the Timer button. Inflexibility like yours ruins relationships.

Dear The Air Conditioner,

I like watching movies. I really like watching movies. I really like sitting on my couch watching movies with my husband. I know I said “watching” in those three sentences, but can we agree that for most people, “watching movies” really means “watching and listening” to movies? Some people can’t hear or hear well, and I am so pleased that they are starting to have those enhanced captioning tracks that include key sounds as well as dialogue. As of today, though, I can hear. So I would appreciate it greatly if you wouldn’t make so much fucking noise that I have to use those captions myself.

Dear The Thermostat,

You’re there to help with energy efficiency, yes? This is why you beep quietly at intervals when someone has overridden the current daily program and set the temperature manually, yes? So they remember they did it? News flash: my preferred setting for the summer temperature is higher than the preset program, so I am actualy saving MORE energy than you even want me to. So shut up.

Dear The Alarm Clock,

Though I have mostly replaced you with a young human, on the rare occasions when I do require your services, I would like you to admit that I never need an alarm to go off at 6:30 in the evening. If I do set an alarm for that hour, I don’t really mean it. You know I mean 6:30 a.m. Admit it and we can move on.

Best Wishes To You All,

5 thoughts on “I Have Bones To Pick With My Appliances

  1. Kerrie

    I hate my oven. If I didn’t actually NEED the damn thing…and since I can’t afford another one…I would honestly set fire to it in the backyard and have a party.

  2. Suebob

    Dear The Work Laptop:

    When I say “Shut Down,” can you do it sometime today, please? My Macintosh can shut itself down in less than 15 seconds – why does it take you so long that I forget what I was doing?


    Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

  3. Cristy

    I, too, have lived in both Colorado and Austin. It does make you wonder if they bother to think about different areas when they test things like that. And, the alarm clock one is pure genius.

  4. The Princess

    @ Cristy, I am not asking the alarm clock to read my mind, I am just asking it to use some common sense.

    @ Suebob, your laptop and mine are obviously family.

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