How To Avoid Abject Misery

Before I met C-Man, after I had broken up with That Guy I Lived With, I realized that I am bad at dating. Really bad. I am boy-crazy, and not in a cute way. Within five minutes of meeting a cute guy I would abandon all pretense of rational thought or minimum standards and stay up way too late every night and get all dramatic and generally act like an immature teenager even though I was 30. Then, as things disintegrated, I would NOT LET GO no matter how much the man’s behavior and my own became increasingly unacceptable.

Honestly, it was getting annoying.

So I decided I needed to go with my strengths and organize some kind of list that would force me to more quickly eliminate potential suitors who were obviously not a fit for my lifestyle and preferences. I share it with you now for your edification/entertainment, with only minor modifications to protect privacy and remove boring parts. (I’m not even going to tell you whose privacy I’m protecting, that’s how much I’m protecting it.)

You’ll have to envision the bullets as checkboxes.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part I

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Wash their hands after going to the bathroom?
• Have a car and apartment/house that is clean enough for you would feel comfortable living in every day for the rest of your life?
• Brush their teeth twice per day?
• Tolerate your negative emotions, such as fear, fatigue, sadness, and self-doubt?
• Show a strong tendency towards and high ability to delay gratification?
• Keep their promises?
• Actively manage money to meet personal goals and achieve financial security?
• Display an awareness of the basic premises of a liberal arts education, such as socialization, cultural differences, etc.?
• Believe in science rather than superstition on the important stuff?
• Follow a vegetarian path in part (at least) due to the ethical and moral arguments?
• Strive to make less of an impact on the planet and adjust consumer behavior towards that goal?
• Have well-developed hobbies?
• Have a career plan and the drive to accomplish career goals?
• Keep the dog on a leash?
• Respect your space when you’re watching an important television show?

PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE CHECKBOXES, NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS THAT ALLOW FOR PITIFUL EXCUSES GENERATED BY YOUR DESIRE TO HAVE A BABY AND A MORTGAGE.

If you have checked off yes to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS YES.

How to Avoid Abject Misery, Part II

Does the person you are seriously dating or thinking of seriously dating:

• Burn incense or candles?
• Continuously wear clothing with holes or stains?
• Smoke or take drugs?
• Play music they know you hate when you’re around?
• Keep and/or display photographs of you that you hate?
• Act physically intrusive or invasive?
• Depend completely on mood and whim to decide on behavior?
• Display evidence of an external locus of control?
• Reject counseling as a viable tool for personal growth?
• Treat strangers (store clerks, etc.) with a lack of respect?
• Embarrass you around family or friends?
• Have a lot of friends you find annoying, offensive, or impossible to relate to?
• Launch into angry or hostile outbursts often, and for little reason?
• Lie?
• Steal?

AGAIN PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE NOT ESSAY QUESTIONS.

If you have checked off no to EVERY ONE of these items, you can go on to the next part.

LET US REPEAT THIS: THE ONLY CORRECT ANSWER TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION IS NO.

THANK YOU FOR COMPLETING THIS FORM HONESTLY, since we assume that you would actually use it after you went to all the trouble of making it.

THE END

What you may be thinking at this point: “Wow, you’re really a picky bitch.”

Yes, yes I am. Which is why I needed to break up with unsuitable people sooner rather than later, to spare us both!